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April Fools: Individual Person Tracking

news  Paul Jarvis · Apr 1, 2020

(Note, this was an April Fools joke for 2020)

The biggest complaint we’ve heard from customers is that while our privacy-focused data collection gives them everything they need (without being invasive to their website visitors), our moral needle needs to move a smidge. A touch. A teensy, weensy bit. Barely noticeable.

It’s with great excitement that we at Fathom Analytics announce our latest feature: Individual Person Tracking.

Now Fathom customers don’t have to just rely on our speedy but anonymized and aggregate data for their website. Our new revolutionary tool allows our customers to get far more granular with the data they can collect and view about visitors to their website.

Individual Person Tracking collects the following data about every single visitor to your website:

  • Full name (especially embarrassing middle ones)
  • Email address, home address, and favourite Starbucks address
  • Credit score and outstanding debts
  • Grade 10 yearbook photo

We’re pleased to bring this new feature to all customers at no additional cost. We’re able to do this through two new partnerships with industry leaders. One is with a large, global search and advertising company (we can’t name names here, we’re privacy focused, after all) and the other is a multinational door-bell camera company. Both of whom have both assured us that they are committed to digital privacy and rights.

Reviews of our new feature are pouring in from beta testers:

“Fathom was great before, but this new feature is amazing… and some of those yearbook photos are hilarious!” Tim Brown, customer
235 Main St., Springfield

“I saw today that Rick didn’t buy that pair of jeans he added to his cart… so I went to his favourite Starbucks to ask him why and to try to close the deal. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!” Susan Smith, customer
753 4th Ave, Franklin

“Based on his credit score, when I saw Bill come back to my site, I knew he could afford anything in my store!” Mona Johnston, customer
Unit 34, Oak Rd, Clinton

If you’re worried about compliance with things like GDPR or PECR or CCPA, don’t be! We’ve got you covered with our new cookie notice, which automatically appears on your site and doesn’t tend to take up more than 96% of a users screen.

Our privacy-focused, aggregate stats are now much better and more powerful because they now can track and expose everything about every single person.

If you’re a customer, we hope you’ll check it out - it’s already been added to your account. And, through the wonders of technology, we’ve backfilled all previous visits to our site and attributed them to specific people and their personal, private details.

If you aren’t a customer yet, don’t worry, we know who you are now and will be seeing you soon.

Because when the world is less private, everyone wins…

Yes, this is obviously a joke and one that borders on the scary truth, because it’s not too far off from the information and personal details that existing companies are already collecting about all of us. Customers of Fathom understand the value of simple website analytics and not collecting details like these, and can easily run their businesses and generate profit without spying on their website visitors.

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Paul Jarvis

Paul Jarvis, author + designer

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